Who does God want me to be?
I onced asked myself the question Who am I? And I concluded with another question- Who does God want me to be.
“You may not understand but believe”
“You may not understand but believe.”
And I gave my heart to seek and search out by wisdom concerning all things that are done under heaven; and like King Solomon this is what I did. But God's word also said for in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow. The grief came, the sorrow came and I couldn't breathe, I couldn't handle it. As I read my Bible and then looked at my environment from kids in school, my family, my community, all I could have done was watch from the sidelines and not do anything as I was looking in a mirror. And if I would have done something wouldn't I have been taking the mote out of my brother's eye while there was a beam in mine? So I did what I could do, fixed myself so that I could help. I began studying Proverbs; and all it did was correct me and show me how filthy and meaningless I am,and no matter what I did, what I corrected when I returned to God I was still dirty,spotted,I was always a fool.
“HOW CAN I BE THE PERSON GOD WANTS ME TO BE WHEN I CONTINUOUSLY KEEP FALLING?” That's what I cried in my heart every night, being overwhelmed with grief and guilt and this led to anxiety, I felt as though I was crazy and speaking to myself,I was fearful of being alone. I looked at my body (flesh) and wanted to mark it,harm it, but I said to myself “Keisha stop looking at the outside and look at your inside that's what wrong. And on my inside I saw me.” Then I went to God and on my knees said “I'm trying but whatever you have in store for me, I-I-I don't deserve it, I'm nothing, I’m broken, I need youuuuur help, I need you to help me,” and like always whenever I started confessing from the heart and poured out all I had before God he'd raise me up. The anxiety was still there but God gave me scriptures, (when he said the law convicted us but Jesus saved us as we now walk in Christ ) placed people in my life and like his word said everything was bearable.
I was now better but I wanted to love others as I loved myself; I wanted everyone to have what I have;love and hope and so much more. God filled up my mouth and mind to do this but it seemed as though no matter how much I spoke, acted,performed I was but mere entertainment and an applause was what I got and that’s not what I wanted. I wanted for people to believe the same way I did and they didn't,I didn't understand what I was doing wrong so I went back and searched myself looking for faults to fix, but God said “daughter you're looking for something that isn't there.” I had changed and people didn't recognise me anymore. I had traits that they weren't familiar with and they saw me as someone ‘I'm not supposed to be,a pretence.’
I had hoped that God's word would have made people believe but God's word said to put my hope in him and truth is no matter how much I try I can never make a person believe, Bishop T.D Jakes once preached “A person should hear your word and follow Jesus.”
I learnt that walking in/with God is walking with unanswered questions and change brings anxiety. When a person is questioning their identity I believe you should stop asking yourself Who am I? But ask yourself, Who does God want me to be?
Sincerely,
Untitledocument.
Written on 16/02/2021
